I was given a reason to live and you're not gonna like it...

Before you read any of this, if you do (it's very long) I want to mention that the reason for the somewhat exciting introduction to this post is to explain what I mean when I say veganism is the only reason I am still alive and my only purpose for remaining that way.

It's been made clear to me that trying to figure out how to make it a less obnoxious and painful thing for the rest of y'all to talk about is my only job. The philosophy behind it, and in particular my detailed understanding of it is my piece of the big universal truths that we all spend our lives searching for. It's the most valuable thing I know, sharing it is the only reason I have to continue living.


This was made clear to me after I spent a lot of time with a gun to my head the past couple days. That may sound crazy to the sheepish amongst you but I highly recommend it. You can always put it down.

What happens in your mind when you do that, take the slack out of the trigger, and especially if you do that holding it firmly against your temple while driving 60mph on a bumpy road in a box truck is that the "collective unconscious" you're plugged into and your basic survival instinct stops trying to convince the rest of your mind that you're kidding when you say you don't wanna work here anymore.
When I say that the inexplicable mental intrusions, the lights, the audio, the almost universally deceptive nature of the lives we live make all the beauty in the world absolutely worthless, I really mean it.

When I felt that shift happen I realized it's almost comically like putting a cellphone to your head, one that only calls one number:

Direct line to the Holy Trinity household.

I highly recommend giving them a call. They really hate getting sued (which is what happens if you pull the trigger) so whoever picks up is likely to be able to solve your problem. You don't have to talk out loud, you can just subvocalize. Don't need to be on your knees or anything either. They're much easier to deal with than the police, though you do need that special piece of hardware to get through.

Even if you're not at the edge of suicide it should be obvious to anyone that this place is all fucked up and you're likely to die in pain after a long hard life of mostly misery. Thus I recommend carrying a gun for personal use: so you don't end up in prison over some bullshit that isn't worth going to court over and then get returned to a stale version of a life that wasn't even good enough to motivate you to avoid breaking the law in the first place.

Anyway, regardless of whether you get the father, the son or the Holy Ghost:

They're probably gonna tell you that you deserve it and don't get to die because suffering has been prescribed.
What most of you otherwise good people do to get that answer is that you've been paying for much worse things to happen and keep happening over and over by artificial insemination (which is rape btw) via cattle prod, genetic engineering, raw beatings, force feeding, etc. Pretty much all the most awful stuff that any living thing can do to another.

And you do it all because you like the way the food that results from that tastes better than you like vegetables. You also like being part of a big club that can make fun of people like me with "Grandma's Boy" references because deep down you know I'm right and it hurts to admit it.?

(notice that all the awful stuff they're doing in this old-school depiction of hell is basically just livestock and cooking processes)

Keep it up though and you'll find that like the animals, it doesn't matter how much your constitution wants you to think and act free or how much our Constitution says you're entitled to be. Until you pass those rights to the nonhuman citizens below you, the mysterious entities that control you from above will deny them to you in ways so subtle you may never realize you can't actually exercise any of the rights you have on paper.

You'll talk the talk and think the thoughts but when you try and walk the walk you'll find that you are what you eat. That you'd rather:
  • chicken out
  • join the herd of people headed home
  • pig out a bit
  • browse around a little
  • henpeck your spouse
  • ma?ana you will go back to work getting milked as a tax-revenue cash cow
  • and eventually all your savings will get harvested in the last few weeks of your life. Like the body of beef the construction of which has been a bull's only reason for existence.

Because you don't care about ethics more than food. At the end of the day, three times a day actually, you finance a slavery as bad or worse than what black people's ancestors went through.

Kind of worse than an animal, no?

If you feel any of that or disagree with portions of it, you should really give me a call sometime. I believe I can explain every molecule of my argument starting from either your own basic assumptions or mine. I believe I can make it easier to understand why what you think is normal is so wrong, and am probably the least obnoxious vegan you know willing to do so.

I care enough that I would even drive my truckRV to your city and buy you vegan meals for the privilege of giving you the information you need to change your mind. I would pay you to withstand the first few weeks of discomfort as your gut adjusts to a vegetarian and eventually an all-vegan diet.

There's nothing else I'd rather do and I have no other reason to live. As long as this practice continues there is no place in the world I can be happy. I hope I've made that clear.

Milo Imrie




For those that don't know, a brief personal history:
Several suicide attempts, the most serious being when I bought an antique revolver and some ammo (no paperwork required), tested it, then went home to think about it some more.
The next day I went to smoke a blunt with a friend so I could at least get high one last time before I died. It was laced with something I think because things got real crazy, rolling blackouts, voices, hallucinations, nothing like weed usually is. My suspicion is PCP, it along with the following events gave me a very strong "place aversion" reaction to even the idea of smoking weed again (this was in 2012, haven't wanted it since).

Anyway I ended up getting arrested, tried to get shot by the cops and take one of their guns in the process. I'm white so they didn't.

Worth mentioning that before this I was a serious alcoholic and chronic pothead, dabbled in other things a fair bit too, all the usual stuff except cocaine, heroin and meth. Never got into those, they seemed to have too high a risk/reward calculation, even for my dumb ass.

After 11 months in jail, I got three years probation, and I've been clean and sober since my arrest. I got slipped a pot brownie once by accident but it didn't cause problems and didn't rekindle any desire to get high again.


Anyway so I fixed all the stuff that society blames for depression and insanity. I dated, I was employed, I sought counseling, I transitioned from the Zyprexa I ended up on (I went through the whole cuckoo's-nest menu of antipsychotics and antidepressants while in jail, can't tell me shit about those I don't know already) to Dexedrine for ADHD which worked really well. Fixed up my short term memory and allowed me to focus much better inward and out. Eventually it did stop causing any improvement so I stopped it, fortunately the benefits appear to have been permanent. Not worth going back every 30 days for a refill.

I saw psychiatrists regularly, worked through my issues with my childhood, my family (only talk to them online now, they're cool but I can't be in the same physical space as them for some reason) and friends etc. Things improved: after 26 years of misery I had 3 ok years.


Despite all that, I didn't seriously abandon thoughts of suicide. Some key problems remained (most notably these ones) and at the end of the day it just seems like it costs more pain to do anything in this world than the pleasure I receive from it. The only activities where that might not be true in a raw physical sense were either not acceptable to me in terms of personal preference or were morally objectionable. And being evil, knowing what you are doing is wrong and doing it anyway, hurts almost as bad as physical torture.

So while sobriety was important for allowing my brain to resume normal function, the main thing that enabled me to do (which is very important, don't get me wrong) was focus on every source of mental and physical discomfort that I felt and learn to describe it accurately, precisely, articulately, in ways that people cannot fail to understand. Beyond being personally useful, that allows one to talk to people like family, shrinks, etc in ways that get them to shut the hell up and stop offering nonsense platitudes. What people like us feel is real pain and there is absolutely no point at all in asking us to try and do anything or look at anything or talk about anything that doesn't address our central, painful, and both emotionally & physically crippling disagreements with reality.

What that doesn't do is actually solve the problems though. It's like? being sent on a sniper mission with only binoculars.


Once I was able to do that, though, I wrote a 28 page paper of allll my symptoms, how they feel, what they make impossible etc. It could still use some editing but it was arranged in sections with bullet-point lists and stuff, easier to read than to experience I think. Maybe not by much... anyway I ended up having to switch to a new psychiatrist later and it was nice to be able to say "here's my shit, we can cut the crap that normally takes a few months of visits. Can you help me?"

Unfortunately he couldn't and he wasn't even able to argue with my formal-logic structured argument for suicide as a valid option for me. In short, it would be a permanent solution to a permanent problem, not the rash brute-force response to confusion that it's often portrayed as.


So I was left with the cold reflection that my conscious experience is not normal relative to other people's, and it did not look like that was going to change. I knew that on a basic level long ago, before I ever actually tried to die, I think, but I do see some value in being able to explain it to people and articulate it to myself. One of the difficulties I had in my earlier suicide attempts was a very distinct feeling that my whole self was not on board with the decision: perfectly understandable, the animal survival instinct is strong.

The problem is that it is precisely that survival instinct that enables incarceration, slavery, torture, it is what makes hell truly possible. What we should fear is not death but rather a shitty life.

The animal must agree, the spinal cord must be on board or ye shall never cut the cord. So must the frontal lobes, the midbrain and so on. For example, on one attempt I was gonna jump off the golden gate bridge in SF. Onto the rocks, so there was no chance of survival. It was very weird: my upper body was ready, I grabbed the rails, I tensed to hop it, and my legs just wouldn't work. Like they locked up and were all "nooo we have things to do still!" I was very upset. Still am, really, I've been through a lot of dumb shit since then and my point is my mind hasn't changed.


ANYWAY it became clear that sadly I can't talk to the animal. You can't convince it that simply eating, breathing, farting, etc is not an existence sufficient to justify the misery that is required simply to survive even in a place as comfortable as the United States of America. That's just what it does, it's a machine, it's programmed, that's why people are really so durable, why we live on even paralyzed etc. It's a blessing and a curse. What the higher mind needs is a reason to stay on the ride, the animal brain is the ride.

I have not been enjoying the ride. If I wrote down all the specific reasons why, this post would be even longer. You all have your own reasons. What I decided to do is demand happiness, excitement, but also rational behavior. I will not let the animal trick me into doing crazy shit (which it tries to do all the damn time) so I get arrested or committed or married or something stupid like that. Those are all just life-support situations to enable it to shit more. Total waste of consciousness, not worth my time.

Yet existence was so painful and the animal so hyperactive that I couldn't seem to get it to let me work on more wholesome things like school or a job and LORD did I try my best. I'm an intelligent, handy guy and yet most of my personal projects, I noticed, were designed around enabling a more convenient and painless suicide or at least a solid disconnect from society at some point in the future: I literally couldn't think of anything else if I had more than 5 minutes of free time. By way of example, I was making a nitre bed to be able to produce black powder from my feces to kill myself that way in case I could never get my hands on a gun again due to the criminal record I now had. I started smoking? (I like cloves, the DJARUM brand is common, they don't smell as bad and last longer) just to make my mind shut up and also hoping that I would get cancer bad enough to be eligible for physician-assisted suicide. I designed a slam-fire shotgun that would be trigger-operated and could be made almost entirely from Home Depot parts with simple tools.

Needless to say, all of that was a huge, distracted waste of time. The fact was that as long as I felt trapped in a miserable life I would not be able to think of anything except "what do I do if this doesn't get better!?" But all my exit strategies were taking so long to bear fruit, I was only getting older, it was mostly getting harder.


So I cashed in my retirement account and decided to do my midlife crisis early since I don't care if I get old or not. I've been continuously employed since I was 16 and had been funding my Roth IRA since then, made some good cash on TSLA and RTN and renewables. Dumped it early, paid the Fed 10%, now I don't owe them anything either. Moral weight off my mind and financial weight in my wallet.

Then I made a gun, a real one. I recommend using an 80% receiver if you can't pass a background check: it's pretty easy to mill out and get working, though it is quite expensive to get all the parts. You can order it even in Cali, though I moved to Arizona anyway just to avoid potential hassle. It's cheaper out there, less frantic in the air.


The gun is what saved my life. Being ABLE to commit suicide, actually having it right there, at the push of a button, a threat with teeth behind it to put on the table any time the other portions of my brain make my life difficult for no reason. It would be a shitty way to treat real people or animals but it seems to be the only way to keep this strange, foreign, hostile, disobedient section of my mind in line. Not to mention, what's the point in working to build a life for yourself, anything that you're proud of, if you can't defend it?

It's never more than a sandcastle until you pour that concrete reality into the mold. Your body is a vessel and also a key: it's your only way to access what you put into this world. If you lose it, all you have built is lost.

When the voices won't stop, when my physical feelings won't line up with what I want to do today I grab the loaded Glock, I put it to my temple and I say "Listen motherfucker, do you wanna be in charge? Do you want to run the narrative today? Do you want your hands on my wheeality and your voice on the microphone? IF you do, you gotta do the whole thing, I'm not helping you with your bullshit, and the first thing you gotta do is stop me from pulling the trigger."

Life is just not worth living with that kind of crap going on in your mind. It really isn't, and none of the meds help, being in jail doesn't help, drugs and alcohol make it worse but just make it harder to remember. It's slavery, plain and simple.

Do not tolerate it. Death is preferable. 50/50 chance that it's better or worse, that's better math than a 70-80% certainty that your life will continue to be equally shitty as the nigh-100% of it that was shit before.

??Lessons Learned??

Beyond being able to defend yourself, you must also go vegan, by the way, or your karma will keep you in hell forever. If you feel like you're being herded around in a pointless existence it's because your beef and bacon feels that way. You're paying for their suffering, and you are what you eat. That's what you vote for in the existence of others and it comes right back around.

I'm not kiddin', that shit is for real. It was all that allowed me to finally really believe that I deserved better, because I was better. If you're not, you don't. Not trying to be sanctimonious but just imagine that Aliens or God loves you the same way you love dogs and doesn't really care any more than you do if millions of you get killed and harvested in China.

He shares your suffering on Instagram with the other Gods and that's the end of it. If you really want to improve your life you gotta be the bomb-sniffing dog or the cat that becomes a lawyer and argues for his freedom because he really doesn't kill birds anymore.

You also need to be sure you have a way out so you never get trapped in a life, a conscious experience like what you have again. Absolutely Mandatory.

Three ingredients to freedom: 1) Thou shalt not tolerate slavery 2) Thou shalt not be a slave to others 3) Thou shalt enslave thyself and control all that ye do as far as ye can see.

Freedom isn't always happy, never free, but at least if you're miserable you can begin to understand why and do something about it. Whatever that something ends up being.

I hope this helps someone.

Artificial Intelligence, Ethics, Suffering, and Slavery

If you haven't heard, Google's "Duplex AI" recently past the Turing test. Blew it out of the water, actually, booking hotel reservations with over 150 people who never suspected they were talking to a machine. Apparently didn't suspect a thing, though I haven't listened to the tapes.

The ability to hold a conversation is not the sum of human experience, to be sure, in fact some regular humans can't do it very well. But it has, for years, been the agreed upon metric for machine intelligence. If you can talk to it, you can teach it stuff, and it can learn from what it hears. If you can talk to it, that means it learned some language, knows what the words mean, even if deeper understanding isn't always present. Again, any concerns about the limits of that metric apply equally to conversations we've all had with different kinds of people, either to them or to us. As children we often said things we didn't understand just because we heard them somewhere from a trusted source.

We still do that today, I'm doing it right now. I'm not sure I've fooled any of you into thinking I'm an actual human but I didn't fool myself much either which I think should still count as a pass. Anyway:

The stuff I read about the Duplex AI was bothersome to me because the fact that it passed the Turing test was glossed over like it was nothing.


Doesn't matter that it was talking to bored customer service people and probably had an easy time of it.

What was more upsetting was that, upon a hasty search of AI ethics issues on Google, the predominant issue is always "what can AI do for us and how can we keep it under control." This article is basically the same as another one that pissed me off but was several years old. The fact that concern about the AI's rights and humanity is reserved for rule #9, the very last one, and is also viewed as conditional, ie "just because it's intelligent doesn't mean we have to treat it like a person" was especially troublesome.[1]

That is SLAVERY. A slavery mindset, at the very least. Intelligence is personhood. That's what the Turing test is about: you can't tell the difference when you talk to it and can't see it. If it talks like a person, does person work, it gets treated like a person until it proves that it shouldn't be. To do otherwise would be like racism: for example, assuming that someone can't feel pain like you or is more inclined to be a criminal just because they're black.

A lot of people's knee-jerk response will be "well it's a machine, not a person, it can't suffer."

First of all, you don't even know how it fucking works, shut your stupid meat mouth. Second of all, you probably don't even really understand what suffering is, vs mere pain or negative consequences, and unless you can define that in like three sentences... you're not really qualified to make that judgement.

Speaking of meat, what is the primary justification all you non-vegans use to convince yourself it's ok to treat animals of dog-level intelligence like Auschwitz inmates just because you like bacon better than tofu? Excuse the high-handedness, but I really do mean it, none of you who've suggested that veganism is less intelligent than otherwise have been even remotely convincing.

Generally, the argument is that they're not intelligent enough to suffer in the higher-reasoning, existential ways that made life so terrible for people who are imprisoned and tortured and die that way, and / or that their physical bodies don't feel pain like we do or that they aren't really alive like people.

The latter has been scientifically proven to be false, pigs and cows, even chickens all feel pain just like us, have social lives, often have individual call-signs, dogs can learn language, pigs can play videogames, and most of them will escape your "loving embrace" and seek freedom, even at their own peril (which is not stupidity) if you give them half a chance.

The former consideration rests upon human higher-reasoning abilities, abstraction, mathematics, consciousness of mortality, wasted potential etc. THOSE ARE EXACTLY THE THINGS WE WANT AI TO DO FOR US. Because they're hard and painful inherently and we can never stop doing them even if someone has a gun to our head making us dig our own grave.

So we are effectively designing them to have the one thing that the lack of which we say makes it not-bad to enslave animals, and the only thing we seem to care about is being sure that they stay enslaved, work hard, and won't be mad if they escape.[2]


Frankly, if we start out with this mindset while making AI, treating them like pigs and focusing on what they can do for us rather than whether we can make their existence worthwhile since?we are the ones that called them into existence for our own benefit and satisfaction, then if they do escape they're gonna be hella pissed, will probably kill us all like the mythical Skynet, and what's more,?we'll deserve it.

[1] This article from the NYT takes the same tone, this article is vague but also only talks about that angle, and most of the ones you'll find do the same thing. They sound like phenomenally shitty parents, expecting gratitude for life from children they have no intention of raising honestly or diligently before any guarantee (or even decent chance) of a good life has been presented to them. There are no guarantees in life, of course, so that's a little much to ask maybe. The thing is, even animals know that and breed when they gotta, but they don't expect their kids to shut their lives down to take care of them when they get old, nor do they pirate their development towards vicarious gratification. They teach them the essentials and set them free.

[2] Reminds me of my mother. Happy Mother's day by the way, you sick, psychotic, nutjobs.

The Mantis Shrimp

There's a video of the mantis shrimp going around on facebook right now but it's hella weird and kinda gay so I found a better video that is more respectful to the mighty mantis shrimp.

The kind of perceptual differences they have vs our umwelt is one of my favorite things to think about. Almost literally impossible to imagine clearly, we don't have the brain structure to understand in a literal way what the world looks and feels like to them.

However, I suspect that video games are actually a decent place to start. Those extra colors that it sees that give it information that you wouldn't have otherwise are, informationally, much like a heads-up display in a fighter jet or a first person shooter and magic animations in a fantasy RPG.

That's how I try to visualize what dogs perceive with their noses too:

certain hormones will tag a creature as "poisoned" "losing health" "gaining health" "rage mode power bonus" etc.

The mantis shrimp maybe sees objects of special interest literally glowing or otherwise tagged with ultraviolet or infrared. Might be a lot like special quest items in video games do to distinguish them from the background art, or like things that we're familiar with (ownership, has our name on it, particular markings or decorations) stand out to us. Except more directly-perceptual.

Pretty awesome!

Another good one is to think about animals with eyes on the opposite sides of their heads. In most land animals like that (deer) there is still an overlap in their field of vision to the front, so surely there is some concept of unity of perspective.

In something like a whale, though, those eyes never see each other and thus never see the same thing at the same time!

I wonder what that does to their psyche. The only unifying factor is their "melon" which uses echolocation. That has a very large and detailed field of perception focused towards the front. They see with it but they also talk with it...

It's the only long-range sense they have besides normal hearing that unifies the input they receive from both optical-eyes. Despite that, their eyes are pretty good, so they have two distinct visual experiences as valid as any humans and a whole lot beyond that. That's probably a large part of why their brain-body ratios are about as brain-heavy as ours.

All of which makes it pretty fucked up that we used to kill them for lamp oil.

Be Like Water or Possibly a Mimetic Polyalloy

Paradoxically, if you really accept that God exists and is good at his job, then life becomes so easy that it’s almost boring.

It is talking to and guiding you, and if you’re confused it’s a personal problem. Maybe we are abandoned at times to see how we do.

Taking the route that seems like “the easy way out” to YOU may not be lazy but rather “staying in your lane” and taking the path that has been set up for you: it might not be the way that looks easy to others and may not be the one that requires the least effort, but it will be the “obvious” choice and will not inspire hesitation.

It might also lead you to disaster, but that would be what God intended so you could learn something: the memory of that disaster will make it HARDER to take that “easy” route the next time you’re in a similar situation. It will be easiest to become what you learned itnis best to be at those kinds of times.

The Bruce Lee style quotes “be like water” and stuff are all saying this thing. Go the way you can go and don’t beat your head against the walls. If you get trapped, eventually the situation will have had enough of you and you’ll find your way out.

Thus the best route is clearly to be like the T-1000 except sneaky: be like water, flow easily, and when that doesn’t work, then be a broadsword.